American Oceans

"The Pacific"? Sounds suspiciously like pacifism. We don't do that here. From now on, the biggest body of water on planet Earth is officially American Ocean 1—because calling a massive geopolitical moat anything other than a numbered domestic asset is a waste of federal ink. And what the hell was an "Atlantic" anyway? Sounds like a defunct luxury hotel or a Greek myth we never agreed to subsidize. Rebranded: American Ocean 2. Clean, sequential, and impossible for third-graders to spell wrong on standardized tests. Throw in the Gulf of America to correct that pesky southern cartography error, and congratulations: our borders are now protected by sheer administrative laziness. The rest of the world's maritime heritage has been reduced to convenient perimeter moats, while Canada sits up top looking nervous.